My world soon turned into one I felt only I could identify with. Everything caused me to feel too much or to feel nothing at well. I either felt absolutely everything or complete numbness and darkness. My battle with depression snuck up on me in a way but by the time I noticed it, it became fully consuming in my world and became the only thing I knew.
As my emotional world became one of darkness, everything in my external world began to fade. I was so busy trying not to cry at every moment that schoolwork began to fade, my room became my sanctuary, and my smile became a mask. I was in so much pain that my soul felt it was being crushed to its death.
The laughter and the joy of others was too harsh to bare, their smiles too bright. I appeared to be normal on the outside as if not too much had changed but internally my world became a hurricane- everything was spinning too fast and I soon lost control.
As my battle with depression raged the way I saw myself plummeted to depths that it had never gone to before. I became consumed also with anxiety and self harm as a means to cope with myemotional world falling apart which then led to suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts and the absolute terror of having no solid way out of this nightmare.
Depression is not a world that you wake up from but one that lives inside of you, that haunts you even when the days are a little brighter. It became the beginning and the end of everything for me.
It clouded the way I saw everything and everyone. It clouded the reasons behind why I did everything and it clouded the relationships I had with everyone around me.
The darkness eventually became a comfort to me. As much as it killed me inside with the intensity of pain that I felt, it became a home, the only place I knew. Anything that suggested light became too painful in it’s own way to experience. As much as I was hurting it was the only thing I would cling to.
I became so entrenched in my darkness that I began to reject any source of light- the company of friends, the invites of others to hang out, any source of hope, anything at all.